It takes decades to master astrology; but there is an aspect of it that can be learned very quickly. So, while you should still defer to the experts when it comes to how your next week (or that of your better half) is likely to pan out, you can easily take your social intelligence up several notches if you are equipped with the knowledge of fundamental personality traits of your bosses, colleagues, potential life partners, and enemies. All you need to do is tactfully ask them their dates of birth. The beginner is advised to digest what follows without doubting its veracity. These are time tested observations, compiled by astrologers after extensive research spanning millennia.
If you happen to know somebody who does not fit the description, he probably told you the wrong DOB. (There is no shortage of those whose parents did not deem their birth a momentous enough occasion to keep a record thereof for posterity.) Those who maintain that terrestrial considerations (upbringing, company, environment, etc) are more decisive in the development of one’s personality traits than the position of the sun at the time of one’s birth obviously have no idea what they are talking about. So, without any further ado…
Aquarians (Jan 20 – Feb 18) are ambitious, hardworking, and energetic. Often, they bite off more than they can chew, with unfortunate results. On the rare occasion when they succeed, they become unbearably cocky. They typically start small in life (as babies), which is followed by their growing in all directions (a process that continues till sixty). After which, they start deteriorating again. Height-wise, they adhere to the Gaussian distribution: some of them of average height, some above-average and the rest below-average.
Pisceans (Feb 19 – Mar 20) have the magical ability to make fairy tales come true (in their daydreams). If that process does not occur naturally, they are not averse to using certain chemicals to get the dreams going. Their preferred pastime is to save the world but invariably they end up making a bigger mess of the world than there originally was. Some Pisceans are exceptionally attractive, some average-looking, while some are outright ugly.
Aries’ (Mar 21 – Apr 19) greatest service to humanity, if you ask them, is that they exist. They confidently stride into places where no one dares to go, including places nobody invites them to. They are never indifferent to any conflict in their neighbourhood. Instead, they make it a point to make it worse for all conflicting parties. Many Aries possess chiselled chins and well-defined mouths, whereas the rest have faces that resemble potatoes.
Taureans (Apr 20 – May 20) are steadfast, resolute, and often outright irritating. They wage fights that are fierce in proportion to the weakness of the rival party. Sophisticated souls among them treasure the finer things of life, such as gossip and intrigue. The steady increase in their weight notwithstanding, they claim they are on perpetual subsistence diet. They attribute the said weight gain to an unusually slow metabolism.
If you happen to know somebody who does not fit the description, he probably told you the wrong DOB. (There is no shortage of those whose parents did not deem their birth a momentous enough occasion to keep a record thereof for posterity.) Those who maintain that terrestrial considerations (upbringing, company, environment, etc) are more decisive in the development of one’s personality traits than the position of the sun at the time of one’s birth obviously have no idea what they are talking about.
Geminians (May 21 – Jun 20) are the intellectuals of the world – at any rate that is what they think. They are often found in trouble of one kind or another. They are born with a charm and wit that often gets them out of trouble. The problem is that it is the same charm that usually lands them into trouble in the first place. They have great potential to influence and transform others, and only exercise of utmost caution can avert that calamity. They have long limbs, unless of course they have short ones.
Sensitivity is the hallmark of Cancerians (Jun 21 – Jul 20). They can immediately sense real or imaginary slights from anybody, no matter how far removed. They expect attention from everybody, everywhere, and at all times; and show extreme consternation when they fail to get it. As children they are perpetually contemplating problems of existence. In later life, this takes the form of paranoia. They have a problem for every solution. In a good mood, they are merely irritating; in a bad mood, they are a regular pain in the neck.
Everything about Leos (Jul 21 – Aug 21) is grand, whether it is their ambitions or the messes those ambitions inevitably lead to. They crave the spotlight, and apparently nothing is too silly or asinine for that outcome. They are extremely cute when toddlers, but then they grow up. They have well-proportioned, athletic bodies, until they turn 30; after which everything starts shifting south.
Virgos (Aug 22 – Sep 22) are sophisticated, independent souls beholden to nobody. They are visionaries as well – for they often see visions. Although the word means ‘maiden’, not all Virgos answer to that description. They eat healthy and like to keep themselves in shape. They never look for approval or validation from anybody – they are too full of themselves for that.
Libras (Sep 23 – Oct 22) view themselves as the reformers and the peacemakers of the world. Good natured and easy going, they view humanity with extreme benevolence – when inebriated. When sober, they are a little more realistic. So, when push comes to shove, they have all the requisite skills to counter the evil machination of enemies of civilization. Being extremely disciplined in their eating habits, they rarely need to worry about their waistlines. Except when they are single, married, in a relationship, or after a breakup.
Scorpios (Oct 23- Nov 22) are perpetual truth-seekers striving to see beyond the veil. Being philosophical, they pass through most tribulations of life unscathed, which cannot be said about people they encounter along the way. Being voracious readers of philosophy tomes, they have answers to all ultimate questions of life barring minor ones like ‘Why are we here?’ Even if they gain weight, they wear it well – at least the mirror always tells them so.
Sagittarians (Nov 23 – Dec 20) are incorrigible optimists. They believe in serendipity, and things turning out all-right in the end. They are great ones for hard-work and an active life, as long it is other people that follow the regimen. So long as they do not have to lift a finger, they see as half-full all glasses that they come across. They hope to win every lottery without ever having bought a ticket.
Capricorns (Dec 21 – Jan 19) know everything. Furthermore, they are the consummate go-getters. If you are looking for a rebel but you do not (yet) have a cause, a Capricorn is your man (or woman). Once a Capricorn forms an opinion about something, it stays etched in stone forever, unless he changes it (whichever comes first). Capricorns make friends effortlessly and lose them even more effortlessly. Many Capricorns are tall and lean, although an equal number is short and fat too.
