“Unka khaandan nahin achha, humay wo pasand nahin aye, larki bhi nahin pasand aai (kyunke wo tumhari pasand hai…”)
Weddings in Pakistan are a celebration of families, not individuals. More people, more gossip, more fun. In our society, a marriage takes place between two families of the same socio-economic background, two tribes, two clans, two ethnic groups, everything and everybody; but not two paramours.
In a country like ours, with very few chances to explore and meet new people, where unchaperoned interaction among both the genders is not an easy take or an everyday affair, finding a partner for one’s child appears magical. We belong to a culture where we are indoctrinated to fulfill the desires of our parents and respect them. But sometimes, choosing between what feels right and peaceful, and being acquiescent to parents, becomes very antithetical.
Most Pakistani parents love to oppose love marriages. Opposing love marriages has become a symbol of responsible and correct parenting. This pressure of responsibility badly affects their child’s happiness. It is the man and the woman who says, “I do!” But what and who makes them do that? Parents force their children to marry whom they want. Most Pakistani families prefer arranged marriages because marriages outside their boundaries often lead to kidnaps and killings.
The dichotomy between ‘love’ and ‘arranged’ marriages has always seemed a bit unyielding to be a serious reflection of the real face of society. The convenience of these labels allow people to form perceptions about every single relation. Tell the rishta aunty at the wedding that it was a love marriage and she will get apparitions of secret meetings, shared love letters and romantic encounters. Tell your friends and colleagues that it was arranged and you can see the sympathetic look in their eyes.
We need to understand that companionship, understanding and emotional and physical compatibility is of much more importance than carrying the tag of an “arranged marriage”. Caste and creed are not the determinants of a successful and happy marriage. The younger generation prefers creating families and homes around companionship and understanding. It is time for parents to shed caste and creed, as this matters very less in the ultimate happiness of their children and future generations.
For us and in our society, marriage is a sacrosanct union. It is a social institution in which dowry is customary. For many people in Pakistan, marriage is a one-time event which is celebrated and glorified by societal approval. According to different studies, most of the people in Pakistan opt for arranged marriages due to their parents’ pressure. Very less percentage opt for love marriage due to their families not agreeing and other such issues. What we need to understand is that an arranged marriage is different from a forced marriage. But in our part of the world, arranged marriages are most of the time forced marriages. Parents “force” their children to enter a marriage; where both the partners feel trapped.
The obsession of Pakistani parents with the marriage of their children is unrivalled. For them, the ingredients to a happy marriage include good looks, wealth, education and social status. Fair complexion is a must, and a dark personality can be compromised upon. Tall height is a must, low moral values become acceptable. Rich family background is a must, empty hearts and emotions are considered fine.
Our marriage culture and the obsession attached to it is the main reason why so many capable young men and women are unhappy, borderline depressed and unstable in their lives. It hinders them from showing their potential, from being their best, most productive selves. Adults are not allowed to marry the person of their choice. Arranged marriage has become a tradition in our society. The sense of accomplishment and satisfaction of an arranged marriage can only be experienced by one’s parents.
No one else is responsible for cheapening and corrupting the institution of love marriage, but us. Women are expected to meet the parents of men where they are looked upon as vegetables in a Sunday bazaar. Those same parents who promise to make compromises for their “son’s happiness” sit there and find flaws in that dolled-up capsicum.
Unfortunately, this whole scenario becomes a joyride for the visitors, but it proves detrimental to a female’s mental health and self-respect. A woman is blamed for loving a man. Her morals are questioned and in some cases she’s the one who is labelled “characterless.” Females are expected to forget their rights, be the target for the bullseye and even then get rejected for not being worthy enough to fall in love with the sugar plums of their parents. In most of the cases, men are considered innocent, while women are assumed to be the merciless creatures who snatch away “good sons” from their parents.
Love is not a new concept for humans. Love marriage is not something big. It is rather a positive step for our society. It paves way to social equality and breaks the conventions underlying marriage. It promotes tolerance as it gives rise to a new class of people who are emotionally mature. Moreover, love promotes successful, happy and lifelong marriages.
Love marriage has become a sin in our society. Forced marriage has become a global and national problem. Forced marriages and the ghettoisation are incomprehensible. Different societal, cultural and religious traditions govern our arranged marriages. Times have changed and now our culture needs to gather peace.
Younger people should have the right to choose their own life partner. There is no law against love marriage in our country but it is something that is looked down upon. Love marriages are discouraged due to cultural conservatism. It is really difficult to predict whether our mindsets regarding love marriage would change or not, whether we would start respecting others’ choices or not and whether we would allow our children to choose their own partners.
We need to understand that companionship, understanding and emotional and physical compatibility is of much more importance than carrying the tag of an “arranged marriage”. Caste and creed are not the determinants of a successful and happy marriage. The younger generation prefers creating families and homes around companionship and understanding. It is time for parents to shed caste and creed, as this matters very less in the ultimate happiness of their children and future generations.
