Weddings are considered the ultimate happy occasions the world over. Especially in this subcontinent, where the word shadi, in many of its languages, literally means happiness. Not without justification either, though not necessarily for both parties. In fact, it is the start of a prolonged struggle for one, namely, the bridegroom. For as sure as night follows day, around two weeks after the wedding ceremony, the bridegroom has this gut-wrenching realization that the word shadi is an extremely deceptive euphemism, and that he has been played.
In stark contrast, for the bride the wedding is in every sense a momentous occasion – or her big day, as it is increasingly referred to now. It is indeed a happy event for her because it marks the start of an era which becomes better with every passing day, invariably at the cost of the hapless husband.
In this part of the world, shadi can refer both to marriage and to the wedding ceremony. This may superficially be attributed to the lack of precision in many of the languages here. Upon reflection however, one cannot help realizing that this apparent deficiency is quite fitting as far as the man is concerned, because he is happy only for a day. Not so much for his bride however, for whom the wedding day is the start of lifelong bliss. She only goes from strength to strength as time passes. Children, who grow up notoriously quickly, are ready at the drop of a hat to defend their mom who, as far as they are concerned, can do no wrong. Especially sons, about whom one keen observer (a husband and father) is known to have remarked that it was goons, not sons, that mothers raised.
The excitement of the woman and her folks– the dancing, the singing, the gaiety– on and around the wedding day makes a lot of sense because she knows that a driver, a mechanic, a plumber, a troubleshooter, an odd-job man, a pillow, a punching bag– all rolled into one– is going to be at her disposal 24/7, 365 days a year (366 days every fourth year). Most significantly for her, she expects and often gets him to play the role of the perfect scapegoat. Because thenceforth, every failure and setback will be due to his and his fault alone. Every success, on the other hand, will be attributable to her wisdom. He will take total responsibility, willingly and as a matter of pride much as Hindu widows were reported to perish embracing the burning pyre at their husbands’ funeral– not out of compulsion but for the sake of honour and glory.
What, then, is with all the excitement, the hype, the merriment, the decorations, the lighting, the music, and the general fanfare on the part of the groom and his folks on and before the occasion of the former’s wedding? This euphoria and elation are absolutely beyond comprehension. Even if it is the groom’s first shot at marital bliss, he ought to know what is in store for him from the observation of ‘happily’ married men all around. His parents, experienced folks that they are, must know it even better. It makes no sense therefore for them to be over the moon; or over anything for that matter.
Unless he is extraordinarily resilient, post-wedding he is going to find himself continuously on a knife’s edge– suspected of unfairly favouring his parents at the cost of his wife by the latter, and vice versa. In contrast, his wife will be in the fortunate position of being morally superior in comparison with everybody: the hubby, the in-laws and, if need be, her own folks as well. He will not be able to enjoy anything without the wife at his side– he will be made to rue the day he is careless enough to show that he is having a good time on his own. Sadly, he cannot appear to have a good time in the company of the wife either. Because either variety of enjoyment on his part would equally defeat the purpose of marriage as far as she is concerned– said purpose being to boss him around till he is at his wits’ end.
Children inevitably spend much more time with their mothers than with their fathers. It is therefore a matter of time before khalas and mamoos are elevated to the pedestal of heroes, even if they are not sainted. The phupos and chachas are not so lucky. (The heroes too eventually go on to lose their standing but that is years later, by which time the mom will inevitably have developed irreconcilable differences with them as well. But that does not help the phupos and chachas any, for their stock stays down as before.) Furthermore, now that the combined family system is being quickly replaced by nuclear families everywhere, children are going to spend less and less time with their paternal relations and more and more with the paternal ones.
What, then, is with all the excitement, the hype, the merriment, the decorations, the lighting, the music, and the general fanfare on the part of the groom and his folks on and before the occasion of the former’s wedding? This euphoria and elation are absolutely beyond comprehension. Even if it is the groom’s first shot at marital bliss, he ought to know what is in store for him from the observation of ‘happily’ married men all around. His parents, experienced folks that they are, must know it even better. It makes no sense therefore for them to be over the moon; or over anything for that matter. And yet, they invariably are. But why on earth? Anybody who has the solution to this riddle is requested to share that with the author to help him make better sense of the world.
